The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
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One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.