Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.