House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
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Based Erika
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
seems fine
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”