Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
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Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
some things should go without saying
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?