CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us