My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?