Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
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Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
this is the best day of my life
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.