[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
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I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Yup.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
The smoothest fall of all time
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Come back with a warrant
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.