*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Had an epiphany today.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?