It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
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This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber