I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
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STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Looking at you, Jesus.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews