Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth