I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.