Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.