Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking