“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
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“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*