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My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
then why did i get this email
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.