I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.