Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
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Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it