HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
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Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.