Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
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A short story about romance.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
this is so top tier i cant
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Hmmmmm
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?