*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
You Might Also Like
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My flabber has been gasted.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound