I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
✌🏽
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.