Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
#MeanwhileInCanada
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble