I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
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“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.