Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
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Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
umm…
peep davidson
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
What
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.