The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
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To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
They say women only use 10% of their anger
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.