Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
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Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
giddy up Office Depot
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Schrödinger’s cookie
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.