Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I’m giving up for Lent.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?