A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
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Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
So that’s what we looked like?
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Left at a local drug store…
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?