Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
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People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.