[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
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[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.