[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
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My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭