I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
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Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
so weird how every mom was born today
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?