Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
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Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
sleeping beauty
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol