I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
You Might Also Like
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase