yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
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I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Lmao the reply
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.