My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
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white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”