Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
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I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”