PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
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Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I only treason on days ending in y
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.