[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
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‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good