Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Leonardo DiCaprisun