[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
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i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag