Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
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CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.