My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
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I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me