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A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him: