I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: