Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
*exercises sarcastically*
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive