The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
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karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist