if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
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Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?